Friday, 8 April 2011
Cafe society: star spotting & fish cakes
In he walks a shortish bloke with a large thick brush of spiky brown hair, a small caterpillar of a tash and an impressive collection of rings and necklaces. Tagging along with him is his plainer sheepish looking mate; they both may have had slight learning difficulties. They greet the staff loudly and their jokes are treated in the friendly manner cafe staff often manage.
They order and sit at a table near mine, after a minute or so the chap with the rings starts joking with chef /owner that he looks like Mr Kipling. This goes on for a while until he catches my eye and drags me into the banter.
“He duz dunt ‘e, 'e looks like Mr Kiplin’?”
Feeling more honest than usual I scrabble around for an answer before offering that I wasn’t sure you ever saw Mr Kipling and that “wasn’t that the point of the Ad? He pauses and thinks
“blimey tha might be reet there, well who am I thinkin’ of?”
“Hang on I’m thinking of ‘im off of KFC”
His mate chips in “tha means Colonel Sanders!!wi ya blumin' Mr Kiplin!!” they both laugh loudly .
“That's it Colonel Sanders”
we all turn and look at the owner who doesn’t look like anyone much let alone the grinning fried chicken salesmen. There’s perhaps a hint of Harry Gration from Look North about him, at a push.
“Where’s our fishcakes Colonel Sanders?” is the new cry. Half listening the waitress brings out their food. I turn back to my tea and my phone before I’m baptised “Simon Bates” or ”Colin Montgomery”.
The pair tuck into the food which holds their attention for a while until.
“what the chuff a tha goin’ on abart now” the quiet one, slight exasperatedly
“the other one, he looks like Jim Robinson” says ring man pointing with a red sauce covered knife to another staff member. “and I should know he use to live near us”
“what?....Jim Robinson from Neighbours use to live near thee?”
“Yes, I think he was doing panto in Sheff”
“WHAT! Jim Robinson was living in Kendray?!”
“ay he was livin in them new houses up t’road”
This seems to settle it.
“alreet I think tha should finish thee chips na ”.
And so it went on every new person who came in was “Christened” with some arcane showbiz name, “Mrs Doubtfire” or “ken Barlow” and most bizarrely “Pat Roach” “Tha, nos the one who use to be a wrestler”. This is all good natured and often raising a smile from the “Christened” and looks of puzzlement from others .They still were doing it as they finished up and left for the bus station, probably spotting “Richard Whiteley” and “Una Stubbs” outside Fulton foods and being driven home by “im off of Knightrider”
“ What David Hasselhoff?”
“ nah the one wit’ white ‘air tha nos.... Kit”