Words only used by the media part 345: "Braced"

"Shivering Britain braced for more snow"

Dear v’media things that need  to be "braced":
the roofs of coal seams,
the bulging bulkheads of stricken minesweepers
The squares of Highland infantry regiments against the on coming spear points of the Polish Lancers at Waterloo...
and at a push teeth and perhaps grouse!
A bit of snow demands at most topping up the anti freeze in the car washer bottle, finding your gloves and perhaps soaking the odd pan of lentils!

Phrase of the week

"Alternative Government" Old pouty lipped posh boy David Cameron and his Old Etonian gang have been spouting this phrase regularly on the news this week. It's all a bit obvious really especially as it's not even new he was spouting it when he slimed his way into the post. The really sad thing is that none of the parties would get my vote today.

Location Location Location

Class war and other flavours:

Saw these today, is it just me or does "Croxton Manor" sound less like an aspirational foodie organic heaven and more like your towns dodgy sink estate("what d'ya expect she's from Croxton manor") or the local hard school that everyone's a bit scared of .

I bet bus driver refuse to drive past these crisps and estate agents try to say "well they are not really croxton manor cheddar more maldon sea salt and aged Siena balsamic fringes crisps...."


Every sane person knows crisps only come from one place .....Bradford

Nice baps

Isn't bap a great word!

Some Guy Lines

Things that irk me more than they should pt 445 : Being called “guys”

I got an email from the latitude festival today, (I’m giving glasto a miss the mud last year sapped my will I’m going to Suffolk where it doesn’t rain!)
Now I know its more lardy dah and there will be some annoying “aspirational” things there that will grate (being told the name of the pig in your hot dog etc). But to use the term “you guys” twice in email isn’t a good start, it’s an annoying phrase especial when used by women. It’s become a sort of chatty collective noun for mixed sex groups, bouncy teethy women in polo shorts use it when you go white water rafting as do waiters in all bar one; it’s meant to be jolly and clubbable but it is just annoying. So bouncy annoying polo shirt wearers and their managers I’m not your friend, we are not all in this together just say “hello” and tell me what today specials are, bring the food quickly and carefully and you may get a tip if the “scampi count”* is high and the vinegar is in bottle not a jug.

Oh and no I don’t want a special eco hut at festival I have marvellous Austrian tent and Italian coffee maker already that I bought from a fancy camping shop so if you guys don’t mind I stick to guy ropes .
ps these myhab things why don’t they say “new for latitude this year special crappy huts for the sort of loud media types who voted for Boris Johnson and will happily talk all the way through Elbow’s set death is too good for them.....”

Definition of “scampi count”
It’s Saturday lunch your first pint is having the right effect washing away the last one from earlier this morning, someone else is having a bloody Mary (“for the vitamins”) your “home cooked” “mind love this ‘uns hot” food comes along, if you’ve done the right thing and ordered Nephrops Norvegicus and you can’t count the number of delish breadcrumbed treats in a quick glance than you have a “high scampi count”. If said young’s finest are in the low teens or even “in the five items or less queue” then the scampi count is very low and your hangover will continue past football focus, past some neurofen and will start to throb by the time David Tennant has done that twinkly thing he does, go home now and lie down oh and change locals.

PPs and down with those chalky peas they sometimes sell

Lunch box musings (not that sort Matron)

War on peas:
I was reminded the other day of the newish shops in Soho that seem to stock only Chick pea derived products a namely the hummus Bros and Falafel Express (it’s full name alludes me). Now a well soaked, cooked and flavoursome chick pea is a thing of beauty and I’ve talked before about the correct way to serve falafel but you have to admire the cajones of these corporate guys; talk about cheap as chips, raw chick peas are even cheaper. A bit of soaking, some boiling, a pitta, a splash of harrissa and voila that’ll be £5 quid please madam. Oh did I miss you have to style and decorate the place to encourage the types and sorts to come in that might be put off going in to a Turkish etc place by the laminated signs, evil eyes, weird words and the sheer goddam ethnicness of the places.

Any fule no that if you are in town and want some falafel action head for GABBY’S on Charing cross road the foods good, and you can get black currant and soda and you can play count the pictures of Matt Damon this week. (6 and rising)

Lastly any budding food entrepreneur should always contact Our S, for shop names he is the king of puns. Suggested chick pea emporium
“Falafel Do nicely”

Here's some veggy Chick pea chat puns intended all around

Foodie word of the day:
Burrito translates as “little donkey”.

Smoothie name of day
“Mango Madness”: wouldn’t the words just die in your mouth as you ordered?

Romping Axe Fans

Words only ever used in the papers:

Romp: Strangely when the tabloids are reporting on a “sex scandal” they often refer to the couple (or more!) as “having a Champagne fuelled all-night romp”. Romp is such strange term it always sounds a bit “Benny Hill”. I always see a footballer (his trollies around his ankles) shuffling after some giggling WAG, that or they spend the night bouncing on the beds, after all the only other use of the “romp” is in “romper suit”; something babies wear!
Also “fuelled” is strange usage it’s rare in day to day life we say “I had big night last night fuelled by London pride, ready salted McCoy’s and a cheeky Macallan at closing time”.. And as for sex being a scandal I blame the puritans,

Signalled: as “in the C of E signalled the government that it doesn’t mind the repeal of the blasphemy laws” how exactly does it “signal”, by semaphore, by very pistol, or Morse code, or maybe fan language* like in 18th century courts or maybe the Church got their mate Shelly to tell Gordon’s mate Gary that it were ok if people said god was a bit of cranky git!

“Mystery” Girl/man”: as in “Mark (posh boy looks like a lawyer) Ronson left an exclusive central London nightspot last night arm in arm with a Mystery girl”. Isn’t “mystery girl” a bit Nancy Drew, she’s not a “mystery girl” it’s just that the Metro doesn’t know who she is yet. Oh and Nightspot? Isn’t that another name for acne?

Axed: This is used instead of “cut” when describing people being laid off/sacked by companies as “EMI axe 1,000 jobs”. I know it sounds more dramatic but it’s quite subtle how the paper mix and match the words, nasty job cuts they want too vilify are “axed” were as “cut” “slash” comes out if the approve of the measure i.e. “Tories to cut benefit to benefit scroungers”

Revellers: I’ve mentioned this before but honestly when was the last time a “revel” was held in Britain 3-400 years ago! I mean Revels are rather odd sweets aren’t they. No one has ever said oh “we couldn’t get into the pub it was filled with revellers”.


*I’ve just looked up fan language and it seems designed to make the already tricky job of communicating with the object of your desire that bit harder. Also has anyone ever been to London’s most obscure museum over in lovely Greenwich?

I don't want to be Catty but

Can we start talking sense?

I’m afraid I’m back to business/ad speak again, I think one of the reasons this nonsense persists is that in the age of the blackberry etc, no ever has to say these words out loud (at least in mixed company) as if they did surely their mouths would fill with ashes and their teeth would fall out, as such torture of the English language must by a mortal sin.

The phrase that struck me was in the paper this morning at the end of one those interviews with famous people where they shamelessly talk about shopping.

This weeks star was with former yoof tv presenter and brummie Cat Deeley, you know form, one of those pieces where they say “vintage” when they mean “second hand” and where there’s no shame about spending £500 on bag. Nothing new in any of this except at the end, because Cat wouldn’t talk about shopping without some higher purpose there is the usual plug for her latest project. Ms Deeley isn’t selling a book, or tv show nor is she the next Roxie doo dah in Chicago no she’s and I quote “guest editing http://www.visuaurlife.co.uk/, a new website which gives expert direction to online shopping”
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!

Ps. With reference to Ms Deeley “list of stuff she’s bought” I must try to calmly discuss sometime how new age types square their “touchy-feely” beliefs with the sort of hard edge business practice that being a “personal yoga instructor” must involve, “yes, Miss Deeley can I call you Cat, I sensed you were spiritual person from the first time we met, and you have such a lovely home……”

Businesslike Language slight return

The world's tallest education journalist just sent me this, cheers W! It seems even the financial community is getting hacked off with "Going forward!"

office lingo

Businesslike language

When did the phrase “going forward” as in “we will have low income yields going forward” come from, you hear it all the time what was wrong with “in the future” or “from now ”.

Does anyone else work with a Vietnam war vet?
I was in a meeting the other day with one bloke who used the following phrases.
“I’ll take point on this one” (watch out for the pits full of pointed bamboo whilst doing your power point)
“We don’t want to get stuck in a day long firefight on this one” (a bit of a debate with some clients)
“Going down in flaming burnout” (mix up over some meeting dates)
“Running air cover campaign (I think this was sending some leaflets)

He also came out with the classic recently after we had got some extra work at meeting about a press release.
“ I think we came back under shields not carried on top of them on this one”

Lastly it would much nicer in Spain where:
A flipchart pad is a "Bloco de Papel parra Cavalate de conferências"

the centre cannot hold

Word of the day

Fissiparous
A new one to me, I saw it in another top Obit the fuller meaning is below but they used it to refer to resistance groups infighting and splitting up . Shall we all try to use it at least once today?

fis·sip·a·rous
Pronunciation:
\fi-ˈsi-p(ə-)rəs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin fissus, past participle of findere + English -parous
Date: 1874 : tending to break up into parts : divisive
— fis·sip·a·rous·ness noun
or
(adj) : Factious, tending to break into pieces; causing division or fragmenting something
synonyms: factious, unstable, divisive, fragmenting